Bull' s Eye

I did indeed go to the ophthalmologist yesterday. When I called to set up the appointment, I made a point of doing two things:

• confirming that he speaks English.

• faxing him the complete instructions for the eye exam, along with a photocopy of the form to fill out, even though Dr. Zoidberg (in my previous post) is actually the one in charge of filling them out. However, this way I can be certain that he does all the necessary tests, and can check them off the boxes as we go along.

An optometrist did a few quick tests to see how my eyes were. The first thing I discovered is that my eyes are incredibly over-corrected. I got the glasses I wear close to three years ago. The correction is -0.1. The optometrist puts me through my paces having me read off a chart and gaze past a lens into a picture of a ballon in the distance. The picture becomes blurry and then refocuses as the computer considers by eyes. She asks for my glasses, looks at them, and goes

"This is shocking, you shouldn't be wearing these."

Apparently my correction should be more along the lines of -0.05. Quite a difference, actually. She asks me if I always wear them (I usually don't), whether my eyes tire (not really), and whether I need them (to read the blackboard from the back of the class).

"Don't use these, ok? It's bad for you. Get a smaller correction as soon as possible and try not to use them too much."

What was really strange was that only 2 months ago I had my eyes checked and told the correction should be -0.075. Someone messed up... The good news is that eyes with a bit of under-correction can correct themselves. Over-corrected eyes tend to get worse and worse. So no glasses for me.

Next the ophthalmologist calls me in. We go through the obligatory chart readings. A screen half red, half green, asks me to identify the colors. Takes my eye's internal pressure. This is cool. He puts some drops in my eyes, pulls down my lower lids and inserts the round part of a tiny spoon-shaped thing. I don't really notice. A bit later, I realize my eyes are feeling really weird. I reach up to wipe them and notice I'm actually poking my eye and don't feel a thing. Weird. I ask the doctor what he did too me, and he responds that it was anesthetic. Cool! I spend a while happily poking myself in the eye as he fills out some sheets and feeling returns.

He then hands me a box lined with round, colored circles. He takes them out, mixes them up a bit, and leaves a blue one in the box. The rest are a mix of green, yellow, pink, violet and purple. There are maybe 15, and he asks me to order them beginning with the blue in the box. The final result should be a gradation from that, through the other colors, to purple. It's pretty easy to follow, generally, but two blues and two greens threw me off. I swear they were identical. I switched them around a couple of times, but whatever position I put them in, the other always looked better.

Then some more charts, and finally the fun part. He dilates my iris. He puts some drops in each eye and sends me outside to wait. I go out into the street, it's evening and beginning to darken, but not for me. My eyes expand. I come back inside, my father takes one look at me and goes:

"Whoa, man, what're you on?!"

I checked myself out in the mirror and it looked awesome. The Eye Guy checked it out with a very bright light. Everything is in working order. Supposedly, the results, along with my photocopied form, should be ready today, but the secretary told me there was an emergency and he couldn't finish his report. I should get it in the mail Monday or Tuesday.